All four Pelham elementary schools have successfully implemented AP courses into their curriculum following pressure from parents and the desire by administrators to boost the district’s U.S. News and World Report rankings.

With options such as AP Block Building, AP Popcorn Reading and AP Ethics: Is Sharing Really Caring?, students have the independence to choose the fuel for their pediatric insomnia.

“I really like taking AP classes,” Ike Antdothis, six, told the Pelham Examiner. “They make me feel smart, because what other six year old is taking college classes?”

“Well, in the press release the school district sent out last Monday, it looks that there are about 150 other six year olds in the district taking college-level classes,” our reporter informed Ike. Ike smiled, mere moments before becoming inconsolable. His mother quickly rushed over and reminded him that he is the bestest out of all of the AP Kindergartners and the most special little boy in the world.

This is not the first time Kindergartners have been told to start preparing for life after high school.

Last fall, rumors of college scouts at rec soccer games ran wilder than the players.

Suzy Smith, five, one of the players that day and now enrolled in AP Finger Painting, tearfully recalled her soccer experience. “I kicked the ball out of the field. I still remember the ref’s whistle. From that moment on, I knew I wasn’t going to get into Princeton for sports, which is why I’m taking APs today.”

If one thing is for sure, it’s that you can never be too prepared for college. Or prepared for preparing for college. Or prepared for preparing to prepare for preparing for college.

Katja Fair, a senior editor for the Pelham Examiner, attends the University of Wisconsin, where she writes for the staterical news service The Madison Misnomer and for ALT, a lifestyle and fashion magazine.